The High Cost of Conflict
Resolution, presented by Levine (2009), is the best
alternative to conflict. Resolution is not about winning or losing, and as so, both
parts need to have a similar feeling and conclusion after the resolution alternative
is found and put in practice. Levine highlights the high costs of conflict to
reinforce the reason behind the resolution as the most effective solution.
According to the author, the cost of conflict is composed of the
following:
1. Direct cost: fees of lawyers and other
professionals.
2. Productivity cost: value of lost time (the
opportunity cost of what those involved would otherwise be producing).
3.
Continuity cost: loss of ongoing
relationships including the “community” they embody.
4. Emotional cost: the pain of focusing on
and being held hostage by our emotions (being described as the heaviest/highest
one and the main reason to look for real resolution).
Resolution
starts with the mindset. The willingness to not simply resolve but to resolutely
find out what is going on the other parts’ mind, seeking for a solution in
which both benefit of the outcomes. Levine (2009) calls the first step of
Resolution as Developing the Attitude of Resolution, which means choosing to
think differently by listening, sharing concerns, and knowing there is an
agreement waiting to be discovered. On the third step, listening is part of its
title: Listening for a Preliminary Vision of Resolution.
Going
through all steps, it is clearly that dialog and communication is the main key
of this apparently complex process. After the mind is set with openness and
desire to find a solution which both parts genuinely agree on, conversation
comes next and go until the end of the resolution process. I often witness
several books published regarding communication, but I found that listening it
is still a topic which lacks attention on the field. Headlee (2015) reinforces
the importance of active listening during a conversation, a subject that MindTools
(2015) covers on a summarized, but relevant article. MindTools mentions that
active listening involves 5 attitudes to be effective:
1.
Pay attention – put
your thoughts or hold
2.
Show that you are listening – give verbal and visual signs of presence on the dialogue.
3.
Avoid interrupting – wait
for the story to be completed and respect the time necessary to be delivered
4.
Defer judgement – do
not jump to conclusions
5.
Respond Appropriately – be mindful when asking, commenting and suggesting
Levine
(2009) says how crucial it is listening in the process of resolution, listening
without interruption, listen to genuinely understand the other’s point of view
and feeling, listening for equal transforming outcome. This brings to my memory
a recent experience I had, not involving a conflict, but simply a chat about a
deep subject. One of my colleagues at work was asking for suggestion for
sightseeing with her father, who was coming over for 3 days to visit the town
we live in. I first asked if he was coming alone, she confirmed in a normal
tone, but something in her eyes made me assume there was something else she was
not comfortable on sharing. I let her talk, and soon she shifted the
conversation to her father’s traits as a human and as a tourist. I have never met
that colleague before, so it was interesting listening to personal perspective
about someone so close to her in such a deep way.
All my suggestions did not
fit her father’s style or expectations, and she kept saying he was different,
hard to please and so on. I was tempted to interrupted and ask why and how he
described her, but I controlled and let her talk. In this experience was easy
because I didn’t want to invade her space and make her uncomfortable about
sharing something too personal. I decided then to keep giving attention, and show I
was listening, avoiding interruption
or judging. Usually suggestions and question run into my mind, and I play
stories and often I get distracted by my thoughts. This day I decided to
listen, just listen and try to focus on the conversation as a listener.
It worked
out and out of the blue she shared that her mother passed away recently, so
that factor made it harder to please her father in every sense. This
information changed completely my point of view on the conversation, and even
my suggestions for their trip. Then I made a comment of how perhaps I would
behave, and that I could not imagine how hard is for her to deal with that situation
and to decide about keeping her job, since it keeps her away from her father.
She concluded the conversation saying that this reaction is only possible to
find out when faced directly the reality. The nicest part of listening was
giving her the opportunity to share her struggles, her pain, her expectation
from that point on in her life, and to listen to her expectation from people around
her, how everyone around her did not respond
appropriately to that expectations.
Listening
was powerful, the greatest tools on that conversation, and I have learnt that
it creates not simply an opportunity to the one’s speaking, but to the listeners
to shift their idea and perspectives. It has been so different from how I usually
behave in a conversation. It was a new experience to control my thoughts and
hold my words (something I am practicing in my marital relationship lately), to
simply listen, fully there, trying to empathize and understand the deep
emotional costs of that self-conflict my colleague was going through.
Empathizing
is possible through listening (verbal and visual communication). Empathizing perhaps
runs parallel to active listening. Paul Ekman (2010) and Joan Halifax (2010) brings
the subject in an interesting way, talking about the power of empathy with deep
illustrations. Empathy and not sympathy, can be reached through active
listening, and I believe it to be crucial and the real foundation of the
communication process which can lead to real resolution.
References
Ekman, P. (2010). The roots
of empathy and compassion. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AgvKJK-nrk,
on February 17, 2019.
Halifax, J. (2010).
Compassion and the true meaning of empathy. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/joan_halifax?referrer=playlist-how_to_tap_into_our_collective_empathy#t-6651,
on February 17, 2019.
Headlee, C. (2015). 10 Ways to have a
better conversation. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation?referrer=playlist-the_art_of_meaningful_conversa,
on February 15, 2019.
Levine, S. (2009). Getting to Resolution: Turning Conflict into
Collaboration. San Francisco, CA: Berett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
MindTools (2015). Active
Listening. Retrieved from https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm,
on February 15, 2019.
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