Listening
Listening
is a mental process to make meaning from sound. (Treasure, 2011). It is an
essential skill for making and keeping relationships. (McKay et al., 2009). Listening
is our access to understanding, however we are losing our ability to listen,
which in consequence, is turning us impatient (we don’t want oratory anymore,
we want sound bites) and desensitized (it's harder for us to pay
attention to the quiet, the subtle, the understated). (Treasure, 2011).
There
are several blocks to listening, but regardless of which, they all are causes of
partial listening or what is called by McKay et al (2009), pseudo listening. It
happens in social, personal and professional environment, and hardly someone hadn’t
experience either being blocked or blocking listening.
I
remember my first meeting with one of my managers. There was a restructuring in
the management in my current organization, and all of sudden a new manager was
shown in my profile in the company’s website. At that stage of my career I was
working in my promotion, so I would like to meet her to introduce myself and
show in which stage of the preparation I was at the time. After six months of
the restructuring I finally manage to book an appointment with her, although I
have been trying for all those months. I remember as fresh as if yesterday,
when I entered her room, excited about getting to know her, and to start a
relationship with her, to be cut off at the first sentence. After “saying nice
to meet you”: I complemented saying “Finally we were able to meet each
other. I am so glad”.
Apparently,
she just listened the first part. In a sudden burst, she yelled at me ordering
for me not to say that, and added she was overwhelmed with the new task, that
she really didn’t have time, and her venting went on and on, lasting around
five minutes. I apologized and tried to carry on, but the purpose of the
meeting was over. I had folders with my actions towards my promotion, a
development plan and a large portfolio of researches, which eventually I put on
her table, but she didn’t touch them. The consequence of her interruption was
drastic, as it turned the meeting in a tense moment. She challenged me asking
if I felt ready for the promotion, and before I could reply she started playing
the interviewer. The challenging questions were noticed by her face expression
and tone of voice, and the interview looked like a way to win the situation, as
if I was competing with her somehow, on something.
I
did not introduce myself, neither could show my career progress. Her inability
to listen shut me down, and I decided I would never make any more effort to meet
her again. I kept my decision. After another restructuring, management changed again,
and I haven’t seen her since then.
Peters
(2009) touches base on this issue in business. He mentions that even in
medicine, seven out of eight doctors don’t listen to the patients for longer
than 18 seconds, and he concludes that the single most significant strategic
strength of an organization is not the strategic plan itself, but a commitment
to strategically listen to all members of the organization (frontline
employees, vendor, customers, and so forth). He reinforces that listen takes
practice as a profession does, and that should be taught in school. Treasure
(2011) highlights exact the same point, the importance of teaching listening.
No
two people experience the world on the same way. People don’t experience the
world directly, but the subjective representation of it, and their idea of the
world becomes reality. (McKay et al., 2009). On that particular day, I wouldn’t
have minded listening to my manager’s struggles. In fact, I would love to be
able to understand her better, behind the wall of formality built between
managers and the frontline in my organization. But her “reality” made her
misinterpret my words and jump into conclusions.
From
the recommended reading, I believe that clarifying the distortions would be a
great tool, instead of keeping apologizing for feeling guilty, for causing that
wave of defensiveness. Gently questioning and then active listening would be powerful
tools.
Get
on the balcony and take a side on the situation, as recommended by Ury (2010), could
great strategies as well, and again: listen! Listen to what she had to say,
listen to perhaps change my purpose on that day, change to create a bond, an
emotional connection (Denning, 2011), this way achieving a better outcome.
Five
out of ten of Headlee’s (2015) rules for better conversation also could also
assist me on the outcome, as: the use open-ended questions, the tranquility
to go with the flow, keep being honest about my true intention, but also not being
repetitive/redundant, and last, a rule that validates the other rules: listen!
“Every
human being needs to listen consciously in order to live fully, connected
in space and in time to the physical world, connected in understanding to
each other. (Treasure, 2011)
References
Denning, S.
(2011). The Leader's Guide to Storytelling. San Francisco, CA:
Jossey-Bass.
Headlee, C. (2015). 10
ways to have a better conversation. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation/transcript,
on March 2017.
McKay, M., Davis, M., Fanning, P. (2009). Messages:
the communication skills book. (3rd edition). Oakland, CA:
New Harbinger.
Peters, T. (2009). Leadership
thoughts: listening. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwB7NAvKPeo&feature=youtu.be,
on June 2019.
Treasure, J. (2011). 5 ways to listen better. Retrieved
from https://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_5_ways_to_listen_better/transcript,
on June 2019.
Ury, W. (2010). The walk from no to yes. Retrieved
from https://www.ted.com/talks/william_ury,
on June 2019.
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